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Dear Mama whose child is no longer here with you,

Sharing our stories makes a difference. It helps others who’ve experienced similar losses feel less alone. Though we can never fully understand what another is going through, we have a common bond and experience many of the same emotions and struggles. Here is our story…

On the afternoon of July 15th, 2012 at 38 weeks pregnant, I realized I hadn't felt our 6th daughter, Stephanie move in a while. I had experienced this with all of my babies at one point or another, but I would usually feel them after lying down for a bit, but not this time. I headed to the hospital alone, which was a big mistake in hindsight. I think deep down, I knew, but bringing my husband with me would make it true and I just wasn't ready to accept that. When I arrived at the hospital, the nurse tried to find her heartbeat. When she couldn't, the resident used the ultrasound machine to check. I knew right away that she was gone. I’ve had many ultrasounds and knew what a beating heart looked like and there was no flutter, no movement. My Doctor confirmed what I already knew when he said, “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.” I was given the option of having a repeat C-section or carefully inducing the VBAC I had desired. I chose induction. 26 hours later, the most beautiful little piece of Heaven was born. We had chosen not to pursue an autopsy to find out what happened. But God graciously revealed the cause...a true knot in her umbilical cord.

We had about 6 hours with her to attempt to create a lifetime of memories. We have beautiful pictures provided by a Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer. We have a priceless family photo and photos of each of our older 5 children holding their sister. We all have special blankets and other mementos we keep in a treasure box custom-painted by a dear friend.

Throughout the days, weeks, months and years to follow, God was there. He always has been, but it was during this trial that He was most tangible. Our church family committed to praying for us around the clock in 10-15 minute time slots for 6 weeks. I personally went through a time of darkness like no other. I wanted to die. I was disappointed every morning when I woke up...still here. But about 10 weeks in, God showed me how to see light again. Through the guidance of my counselors, He revealed that I needed to CHOOSE JOY, even if I didn't feel it and even if at first it was one minute at a time. I needed to remember TRUTH rather than believe assumptions and lies based on what I was feeling.

Three months after Stephanie was promoted to Heaven, we conceived the twins... at a Weekend to Remember marriage retreat that was gifted to us. It was a very memorable weekend, indeed. God definitely has a sense of humor. Pregnancy after loss is a special kind of scary, but God was there all along to battle my fears with TRUTH. Our boy/girl twins were born 12 days shy of Stephanie’s first birthday in Heaven. Hearing their first cries was music to my ears and being wheeled out of the hospital holding two babies rather than empty arms was a feeling I'll never forget.

Stephanie is an ever-present part of our family. She was not just a lost pregnancy. She was our baby, sister to our children. And she still is. You see, our children who’ve been called Home before us, are very much a part of everything we do. They are woven into the tapestry of our lives. We do things differently because they were here. We can’t change them, feed them or bathe them. We can’t hold them in our arms, but we most definitely hold them in our hearts. We “parent” their memory. So they won’t be forgotten and their legacy can live on through us.

2 Corinthians 1:3&4 says, Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

I want to encourage you to remember that your story, your child’s story, is important. God can and will use it for your good and His glory. He can also use it to impact the lives of others. Our losses make us uniquely qualified to help one another. Something in your story could be a lifeline to someone else in their darkest moments. I am honored anytime I am asked to share my story. It breathes life into my daughter even if for a moment and reminds me that her short life has meaning, even years later. I am especially grateful when God uses our story to further His Kingdom. If you’d like to connect, search for me on Facebook.

Sincerely,

Sara Schmaltz