* * * * * * * * * *

Hello There Dear Sweet Momma,

I don’t know your story. I don’t know the details of what you have gone through. I don’t know how deep and dark things may be for you right now. Or how numb you are. But I do know you are not alone. I and many other mothers sit in the silence of the chaos and grieve with you. We sit in our moment pleading for it to be different while the world just continues moving on.

“When you lose a child, it changes you. You’re a new being, in someone’s old skin.” ~ Lelynn Wolak

My name is Lelynn Wolak. In January 2019, I was the wife and mother of three children ages 10, 9, and 8. It was then I found out I was pregnant with surprise spontaneous triplet daughters. Every doctor appointment I went to from 8 weeks on I was delivered more and more traumatic news. I was in the biggest fight for my life, my mental health and my family that I have ever experienced. By April we learned we were expecting three little girls. A set of fraternal and a set of identical. We named them Willow Rayne, Emma Rose, and Lily Ann. Emma and Lily were the fraternal twins. Then a day or two later, Willow split from Emma and became Emma’s identical twin. To complicate things even more... we had to deal with things like Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome, Velamentous Cord Insertion, Placenta Discordance, an enlarged heart for Emma and enlarged ovaries the size of grapefruits for myself. These complications caused immense issues that lead to surgery called Fetoscopic Laser Photocoagulation which was a TTTS surgery to sever the blood vessels being shared between Willow (who was measuring too small) and Emma (who was showing signs of an enlarged heart).

On April 25th, the day after the FLP surgery, we learned Willow died. It was traumatic news. And we still had two other babies to care for and three children at home. Then for a month I carried all three babies in my womb. Lily was a healthy baby. Emma had an enlarged heart. Willow had died. On May 29th, I went into labor to deliver Willow. My body realized she had died and was naturally delivering her. I never had an out of body experience until her delivery. I can see myself above my bed as the room full of doctors tended to her ever so quiet delivery. So thankful they treated my 1.5 ounce and 6-inch little baby girl with gentleness, care and respect.

Surprisingly, I didn’t continue to deliver Emma and Lily. May 30th came and went uneventfully. We had hope I could get a little further. Maybe a couple more weeks to viability. Then, May 31st at 22 weeks and 3 days ... we realized I had a uterine infection and I was again in labor. I delivered alive Lily first at 1 pound .08 oz and 12 inches long ... and then Emma at 1 pound .2 ounces and 12 inches long. Over the next 30 minutes I told them how much they are loved. About their daddy and siblings and grandparents. About how extremely sorry I was that I couldn’t do better for them. And then I sang over them, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus” hymn.

Once they had died, I handed one to my husband and one to my mother and then I cried aloud with all I had within me. The pain. The anger. Then sadness. The confusion. The next day I woke up with a fever. The doctors then expressed grave concern that I was very sick and now my own life was at risk. After multiple tests and various antibiotics... two days later I was finally able to be discharged home. Quite miraculous given what I had just been through.

Three days later, my milk came in. And there I sat... with not one of my three daughters in my arms. I chose to pump and donate from June to September around 1300 ounces to the local milk bank Bronson Mothers’ Milk Bank in Kalamazoo, Michigan. I was beaten down. Mentally exhausted. Physically exhausted. Spiritually exhausted. People would ask me thru the journey how I was doing. I replied, “Hanging in there.” But then it changed to, “I’m hanging on.” Then, “Hanging on by a thread.” And then finally... I changed it to what I truly felt... “Hanging on by a mustard seed.” The only thing that truly helped me continue forward was my mustard seed size faith and the faith of others. (Matthew 17:20) So, now what?

Personally, for me... I took all of my thoughts and feelings to God and said all that I felt and thought directly to Him. He knows my thoughts anyway... so why not just say it and do all my kicking and screaming and yelling at Him. He’s big enough to handle it. And secondly, I worked really diligently at processing through my feelings.

First, I would try to take time to discern what I was feeling. Secondly, once I knew what it was, I acknowledged that I truly felt that way. And that it was ok for me to have those feelings. Thirdly, I would allow myself to campout in that emotion for a time to validate what I’m feeling. If that meant I laid in bed ... or didn’t eat a meal... or didn’t shower for days... it was what I needed to do. Then... after a short time... (1-7 days) I would say that I was done Emotionally Camping and it was time to pack up and move forward. So that meant now I need to get out of bed... shower... eat... get outside... talk to others...and move that negative energy from my internal mindset to somewhere external. That could be going for a walk (or run), painting, punching a punching bag, meet up with someone else, exercising (or just jumping jacks), sing loudly, dancing, knitting or crocheting, playing an instrument... just something to move that energy outward. I would surrender that emotion to God and ask Him what I could do to move through the emotion with Him vs running away from Him. Lastly, I stayed in the word and in prayer as I processed through each emotional rage that would unexpectedly flare up. Because some days are good... some are ok...but some are just rough.

After all was done. Time had passed. I had to get back into the daily function of the world. This is when I realized that everyone that saw me, expected me to be the old Lelynn. Maybe not right away...but eventually. However, that was not going to happen. I had gone through a traumatic event. I had been changed. I am someone new even if I look like I did before. I had to rediscover myself and teach others about who I now was.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Grief doesn’t just stop. It may never fully go away. Knowing there are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, (there could be a sixth one of pain/guilt). We don’t go through one at a time and then graduate away from grief. Often you bounce back and forth between the stages. Sometimes the grief surprises you after a song... or during a holiday... or birthday... or an invitation to a baby shower... we never really know when it may show up. But my hope is you don’t stay stuck in grief alone. That you don’t believe you have to build a home on the sinking quicksand of sadness and despair. My hope is that you are able to address what you’re feeling and Emotionally Camp in that feeling for a short time... and then, learn ways in which you can pack that camp site and move forward in a healthier mindset.

“When you lose a child, it changes you. You’re a new being, in someone’s old skin.”

It’s ok to be changed by grief. It’s ok to mourn. It’s ok to not be ok at times.

But it’s also ok to move forward. It’s ok to find joy and happiness in life again.

And it’s also ok to live life to its fullest.

May we honor those we love who have died by living a life that is joyful amongst the sorrow.

May we honor their memory as we carry them with us in our hearts.

In Him,

Lelynn Wolak

HangingOnByAMustardSeed@gmail.com