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Dear Mom,

I am so honored and blessed that God is allowing me to share my story with you. I know He can use this to help encourage you and to help to guide and or aid in the healing process of your loss. I pray this will help you through your journey of loss. It is so hard to lose a little blessing. It feels as though your whole world is crashing down on you spinning out of control and you are stuck asking yourself why? Why God? Why me? When I found out I lost my baby around July 4, 2010. I was around 7 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I was at home bleeding and my husband thought everything was fine and I was going to go in for a normal appointment. I knew deep down inside something was wrong. My husband went to work that day as normal to work the prayer booth at our church before doing his other duties at church as an associate pastor, secretary, janitor, facilities worker, and the many other hats he wore at that time.

My mom, concerned for me did not want me to go to the appointment alone which I was grateful for but at the same time felt horrible because I felt she should not have been there for that, but my husband should have. I was angry and very upset that he was not there for this appointment. As they did the ultrasound and got no heartbeat and saw the baby was measuring smaller than should be, the doctor broke the news to my mom and I. We both cried and my mom asked if they could re do the ultrasound when my husband could be there. The doctor agreed. My mom was hoping the ultrasound would change two days later. I agreed reluctantly to come back in the morning that Thursday to repeat the ultrasound that I knew deep down would not change.

My miscarriage was considered a miss miscarriage. It is when you lose a baby, but the baby is not born it is still inside the womb. The doctor gave me a choice that Thursday to either take some medication to help me go into labor to have the baby, to wait, or to do a DNC. The doctor said if I waited, then it could take up to a month and could cause infection and other complications potentially if it took that long. I decided to go the medication route. I was not going to do a DNC because I associate that with people who abort their babies. Those who do not want them. That was my mind set at the time.

The medication did not work, so I had to go in for a DNC on July 7, 2010 so I would not get an infection. I remember telling every doctor, nurse, hospital worker, anyone who entered my pre-op room that they were taking my baby from me. Some of them said we are not taking your baby from you. Your baby is already gone. We are removing the tissue and cells. Some did say we are not taking your baby from you; the baby is already gone.

Once I got to a good place about a month or so later, my husband and I sat on our couch in the front room and had our own little memorial service for our baby. We prayed, read scripture, and talked about everything about the miscarriage, how I was still upset with him on how I thought he should have been there and not my mom.

This was a very dark and difficult time for me. I could not work for a long time, and even when I went back to work it was difficult still for quite some time. Even certain months of the year were hard for years after. But God worked a miracle for me. One moment, one hour, one day at a time, God was working through the sorrow and pain of this tragedy in my life to heal me and to be able to use it as a ministry opportunity.

Another miracle God did for me, is he brought another little one into our lives. About 4 months later I found out that I was pregnant again and the baby was due at the end of July. Excited about the news, it seemed my mom was on edge hoping that all would go well, and I was nervous at first too. After we cleared 8 weeks, then 12 weeks, I felt more and more relaxed the further into the pregnancy I got. Even though January would be a reminder of this was when we were to have the baby shower for the baby lost, I also had to stay focused on the baby that was growing well, and we were to meet in 7 months. Father’s Day was tough too for several years because that was the day we told everyone we were expecting our first baby and then to come find out just around the 4th of July, we had lost our baby.

I now have two sweet girls Hannah; our rainbow baby, who is 12 and Abby who is 8. They do know about the baby in heaven. They say” the baby is in heaven so Hannah can be here.” Abby does sometimes ask why the baby had to go to heaven and she misses the baby. I remind them that God has his reasons, his plans and purposes. We will all see and meet the baby when we get to heaven.

We do not fully understand or comprehend why God takes our blessings home when He does. We do on the other hand have to remember and trust that God’s plan, purpose, and reasons are perfect. I hold onto that hope every day. Even though each day is different, and some days are easier to navigate than others. I want to encourage you to hold on to God’s hope, strength, and remember in the darkness He has the most perfect plan for your life. He is going to get you through this in ways you may see as obvious and sometimes He may get you through this difficult time in not an obvious way. As the pain and hurt start to fade into the background and you find yourself living life again and not always thinking about your loss, it is ok. You are healing. It does not mean that the baby is forgotten about. There will be times and situations where that memory is triggered, and that is ok too. Be in that moment as you are going through it. Do not rush the healing process. That is one of the worst things you can do besides staying in it continually and not moving forward.

I will be keeping you in prayer during this time of grieving. Please reach out when you are having a hard day or moment. God wants to hear from you. If you need to reach out to a friend or family member do that too.

With love,

Christie S.